At a seminar on forgiving parents which I and a colleague gave more than thirty years ago, I spoke of sexual abuse from my biological father, his continuing oppressive behavior, and how I’d given up my hatred of him.
I talked of grief and how I worked through a decision to forgive as well as a process of grieving what could have been. I also noted that I didn’t spend much time with him, though he lived only a couple of hours away. A few phone calls, once a year visits, sufficed.
Someone asked, “If you forgave him, why don't you see him more often?"
At the time I couldn't articulate my response clearly. Today, I know it's the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. And trust.
Forgiveness is unilateral. Reconciliation takes two.
Anyone can let anyone else off the hook for a hurt, all by themselves. We don't need the other person to accept responsibility. I ended my fury at my father before he said he was sorry, though that process took tremendous grace from God.
We can give up our anger at our classmate for his high school ridicule whether we ever see that person again. We can release the bitterness because of our mother’s disregard. We can live in peace by choosing forgiveness.
However, to reconcile with a person who’s hurt us requires them to recognize the wrong, listen to our pain, and make amends.
My father, now deceased, recognized his wrong, for which I'm thankful. But he never listened to my pain nor did he make amends. And he continued inappropriate comments and behaviors I wasn’t willing to tolerate. I did not trust him and I did not believe I needed to continue to subject myself to his sin. I felt God’s peace about that decision.
I honored him by working through the forgiveness process and releasing him from my hatred. I gave up my right to be bitter. That was only hurting me.
Many times reconciliation is not possible. By God’s power, forgiveness always is.
But trust is built over time with changed behavior. Though there may be times when God asks us to turn the other cheek, we are allowed to set boundaries against sin. Relationships like these require honesty, prayer, and discernment.
Read more of my story for free here: Trading Fathers